Random Precious Moment

One of my favorite memories of this week has to do with Abby and our new neighborhood.

She’s 5 now, so she’s getting her independence, but she’s still a sweet little baby in other ways. We’ve moved to a new neighborhood, and since she’s getting bigger and would like to make friends in this new neighborhood, she’s been eyeing the neighbor kids as they play in the street.

This weekend she saw some kids playing and decided to “go for it.” She asked if she could go for a scooter ride and I said I’d take her out. With her helmet on and scooter in tow, she was ready to go in a flash. The neighbor kids, however, had disappeared by the time we got out there.

Undaunted, Abby spotted a couple of older girls (9-12 years old maybe) walking down the road and took off after them. She really wanted to meet some neighbors!

She was too excited to meet people to realize that these girls were too old to play with a 5 year old, but I figured she’d just say hi when she caught up to them, and that would be that.

Off she went, and there was pregnant me tagging along well behind her, trying to keep up and not slow her down. She had a lot of ground to make up if she wanted to catch them!

There went my little Abby, all 30 pounds of her, all decked out in her Hello Kitty helmet, scooting along down our street excited to introduce herself – or something like that. I really don’t think she thought that far in advance to know what she’d do once she caught up with them.

In the end, the girls ended up taking a turn out of our neighborhood, so there was no way for Abby to casually follow them with hopes of catching up. As we realized this, we spotted some other kids playing in the street in front of their house – and it was on our way back home, too.

We made our way down towards them, but once we got there, Abby didn’t know what to do! She was so excited, and then she froze up. It was kind of funny in a cute little kid way.

I told her to say hi and introduce herself, but she got shy and just went on her way since the kids were kind of waiting for us to pass so they could continue their game of ball without hitting us. They didn’t know Abby wanted to meet them, and she chickened out anyway, so we just went home. They were a little older, too, so I didn’t bother pushing the issue with her meeting them either.

Around the next block we went, and on the final stretch down our street, we saw some adult neighbors in their garage painting some tables. Abby was intrigued by this activity, and the people were friendly enough to say hi as we passed, so she felt like she met some neighbors. The fumes were a little strong though, so I didn’t linger or catch their names. I just shot them a smile, said hi, and kept walking this time.

Here I am, days later, and I keep going back to that image of Abby in her helmet, bopping down the street on her scooter, all excited to actually meet some neighbors. So young. So innocent. So excited. That one will stick for a while…

My Dog is Trying to Kill Me!

In our new house, we have what I have dubbed "The Stairway of Death."  It is a long, narrow stairway in slick hardwood.  My dog used to plow up the curved and carpeted stairs in our old home, but these throw her for a loop.  She has fallen down these at times, and now the wood is scratched where she has had to dig in with her nails in a last ditch attempt to prevent herself from falling.  (I've seen her pancaked out on the top step, front legs spread out wide and claws digging into the hardwood, petrified to move as she slips at near completion of her climb!)

So, I think she holds a grudge for my having picked this home and also for initially having loved the hardwood stairs and upstairs landing/hallway.

Tonight, I was lucky enough to SEE the present she left for me at the very top of the stairs.  There was a slippery puddle with a single piece of dog food in it.  The kibble was probably her signature and symbolic "F.U." like a serial killer taunts detectives with.  The spit up was naturally going to be slippery if I had hit it coming around the corner to make my way downstairs.

But, as I said, I was lucky enough to have seen it first.

Instead of slipping to my death on the stairs, I merely had to clean up a fairly tame doggie mess.

I live to see another day.

Daily Dumbass

It's been a while since I've had one worthy of posting, but never fear! I still have my moments!

I was sitting in my chair at work and noticed that the underside of my sweater sleeve was getting a little "pilly" from rubbing against my body. I picked up the scissors and started trimming the little fuzzballs off. I got my right arm looking fairly well pill free and then thought to myself, "How am I going to get the pills off the other side? Scissors are not meant to be used with either hand!"

At that moment I realized I WAS using my LEFT hand already, so the right hand use would be NO PROBLEM! I was a bit pleased with myself for being ambidextrous and being able to clean up BOTH sides of my sweater. I have to admit, at that moment, I WAS just slightly full of myself for having been able to accomplish that feat.

Later that same day, I took my sweater off and the whole incident came flooding back to me. I felt like a fool!

HOW could I have not realized immediately that I didn't HAVE TO BE ambidextrous to accomplish that task!?!?! All I really had to do was take my sweater off and ANYONE could have been able to clean up both arms.

I was not special. I was a dumbass for thinking I was.

Gosh, how often have I felt THAT in my life?

He Never Ceases to Amaze Me

My dad. (The Doug one)

Abby's birthday was 2 weeks ago and mine was 2 days ago. Personally, I don't care about birthdays, but I'm thinking it's kind of a big deal to a 5 year old. And she's MY 5 year old, so I don't like it when her grandfather disregards her the way he does.

So, last night at precisely 11:59PM, I got a text from dear old dad. It started with a disgusting picture of an open sore/rash on his leg. I scrolled past that to see if there was additional information.

He said, "Happy b'day, absnlisa. G'pa,s ankle's going as freddy kruger's face. Having a tough time shaking this one. Good chance 2b in az 11/6-7 4 boat action at fartbird lake"

He spoke more about his stupid rash than his only granddaughter. Did I mention before that he finally came to visit her for the first time this past December when he moved his dying mother down from Eureka, CA, through his hometown in Southern California, and to my brother's and my town here in AZ? Abby was 4 by then and this was his first time meeting her. And, truth be told, he didn't even come to see her - he came to set his mother up in a home to live out her last days close to my brother and me.

So, now, we have this second pregnancy and he has YET to acknowledge it in any way, shape, or form.

I asked him if he was going to congratulate me before and if he knew what I meant. He assured me he knew what I meant and said he'd call me later. Guess who didn't call later or congratulate me?

I sent him a text with a picture from the sonogram. No reply.

Today when I replied to him I said, "Nice. I will make sure to send a pic of my placenta 4 your belated bday" since his bday is approximately a month or so before my due date. Still no acknowledgment of the fact that I am pregnant.

He should be here next weekend for some boat races. I may or may not see him, and he may or may not guess from looking at me that I am pregnant - assuming he just hasn't figured it out somehow. But after last time he asked me if I was pregnant when I wasn't and my "fuck you very much" comment, I doubt he will say anything then!

I just wonder if, now that he got the money from his mom's "estate" and he has a car, if he will broach the subject of coming out after this second grandchild is born.

Only time will tell.

Bulk Trash Pick Up

Do you ever wish that life had a bulk trash pick up day? I see that schedule in the water bill all the time and it makes me wish I could locate the one where someone comes and takes all the other garbage out of my life for me.

Another Reason, Another Blog

In case you're late arriving, you may not have realized I got pregnant!

In order to keep my Facebook relatively/reasonably baby talk free out of respect for those that don't want to be CONSTANTLY BOMBARDED with belly shots and ultrasound pictures, I started ANOTHER blog that I can share with anyone on there.

"LisaCarriesOn" is still somewhat private, so I would appreciate any efforts You, Reader, can make to keep it that way. I do realize there are ways of finding this blog, but I don't want to hand deliver it to everyone under the sun. I'm funny that way.

So, without further ado, the link to the new blog is www.BringItOnSpawn.blogspot.com or just click on Bring It On, Spawn! to go directly there.

I hope having multiple outlets for different areas of my life doesn't spread me too thin.

London

I just realized I never published this post from August! I just copied and pasted from what I posted on Facebook, so it's a total repeat, but it doesn't feel right to not have something about our London trip on my blog! :)

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8/14/10 - Day 1 - Red eye flight to Heathrow. Smelled some stinky people in line to get on the plane. Wouldn't you know it, they sat right behind us on the plane and had us gagging the entire flight! No option for 3 seats together, so we just stuck it out. In flight entertainment system shot, so it was a LONG flight for Marti, who doesn't sleep on planes like I do. Note to self: Abby is big (old) enough to just sit in a seat now. Check the carseat as luggage and give yourselves some extra space next time.



8/15/10 Day 2 - Arrived in the afternoon and took it easy hanging out with Sadie, Roger, and Jilly. Jilly made the most amazing macaroni and cheese for Abby, which Abby promptly decided she wanted to eat for dinner every night while we were there!



8/16/10 Day 3 - Took the train down to the Natural History Museum. Oh, the lines! (I mean "QUEUES!") Apparently I was spoiled on my winter trips, as the children are on break from school right now and everything has a line now. Lots of walking. Lots of stairs. Very tired Lisa. Abby loves chasing pigeons!!!!



8/17/10 Day 4 - Marti took Abby and I to see Phantom of the Opera at Her Majesty's Theater. Abby loved it, but was a little sad at the end that she couldn't go backstage to meet the cast. Where does she get these ideas from?!?!?! We also walked through Trafalgar Square and Abby got to chase some more pigeons. (Silly kid!!)



8/18/10 Day 5 - Double Decker bus tour through London. So-so, but I did enjoy just sitting on my ass for a while, checking out the sights in the cool air. Ended the day at Sadie's place so we could stay there a couple of nights and spend some more time with her.



8/19/10 Day 6 - Met up with Marti's old school mate and his family. John picked us up to take us out to the club in the country to meet up with his wife, Nicky, and their 3 kids. Abby puked 5 minutes before arriving - all over herself and the car seat she borrowed from John for the trip. NICE! The kids romped on the lawn while we enjoyed sitting on the terrace having drinks. Then we had lunch and fed the ducks by the stream, followed by a stroll down to the sports courts where everyone played games for a while. Another stroll over to the circuit training field, through the flower garden, and then back over to the putting greens where the senior Gullys triumphed over the Harrises while the children played happily in lawn chairs and the adjacent playground. Sadie took us out to dinner and it rained for about 5 minutes as we took a taxi to the restaurant. Lovely day!



8/20/10 Day 7 - Nice long walk/romp in Regent's Park. Fed the ducks and had ice cream. Abby chased more pigeons. Jilly made dinner for all of us, plus Barry, Susan, Claudia, and Alex came over as well. Good God, that woman can cook!!!!!



8/21/10 Day 8 - Took Abby over to Regent's Park again and rented a paddle boat for a while.



8/22/10 Day 9 - I woke up early for once and went for a couple of walks around the neighborhood to get some fresh air and stuff. ;) Roger and Jilly took us all out to lunch at Roger's favorite Italian restaurant, Scalini. OMG. YUM!!!!!!



8/23/10 Day 10 - Left Roger and Jilly's at about 11 AM and arrived home after 5 AM (8 PM Arizona time). No stinky drunks on this flight, but there were some ridiculously slutty drunks across the aisle from us. Cheap entertainment. That was good because the airline's headsets were absolute CRAP and made every word of dialogue sound like Charlie Brown's teacher speaking through a wadded up gym sock. I did use my own ear buds for a while but after trading those back and forth with Marti and Abby trying to find a happy solution for all of us, I finally broke down crying! The flight crew kept butting into the program with announcements, and after 4 of these megaphone-esque blasts in my ears, I couldn't stand it! I had to have the volume turned up pretty high to hear the dialogue, but movie on high volume is NOT the same as flight crew directly to my brain on high volume. I know TV stations change volume levels for commercials so you hear them when you walk away, but nobody attached to their seat by a headphone wire needs announcements blasted into their brain stem! Cross "seeing the upstairs of a 747 from the inside" off my bucket list and add a side of "pilot gave me a tour of the cockpit" just for kicks! Sweet! Customs was a breeze and this time Marti was a citizen, so we got to go straight through the short line together instead of me waiting for him to clear immigration. Woo hoo!!!!! And, we even got a little unpacking done once we arrived home.



8/24/10 Day 11 - Recovery. Mom and Ron dropped the dogs off (and donuts!) so Mom could get her Abby fix. ;) Abby was bouncing off the walls, so Marti decided she could go to school today after all. THANK GOD!!!! My idea of recovery doesn't involve chasing or being chased around by an overactive four year old. Sorry.

Soon...

I haven't been blogging lately. I will be again soon. There is a lot going on right now and I just haven't been able to get to my blog, but I want to.

Today is not the day though.

I'm just mentally breaking the ice today.

For now, it's off to bathe the little one then off to bed for both of us.

Zzzzzzzzzzz!

I.C.E., I.C.E. Baby!

Marti and I have had a little tension between us lately. It happens, right?

So anyway, today he comes up to me and it seems he was looking at my text messages on my phone for whatever reasons. He asks me with very serious look on his face why I have him listed as "ICE HUSBAND MARTI" in my phone. As pissed as he looked, I found it VERY hard not to laugh.

Some of you may already know this. There is a thing people do with their cell phones that supposedly emergency responders are supposed to know about. It's called I.C.E. or In Case of Emergency. If you are ever in an accident, they can grab your cell phone, go straight to your contacts, find "I.C.E. Whoever" and know they are calling the right person RIGHT AWAY.

I'm glad he asked. Imagine him going through the weekend thinking I was calling him cold or frigid or whatever. That would have made for a shitty date night tonight!!!! I wonder if he just saw that for the first time today or if he finally worked up the nerve to confront me on what he thought was a major "dis" after all this time?

meh.

I'm not "feelin' it" but I'm going to try anyway. I have a humorous tidbit I've been dying to share, so if nothing else, you can giggle with me at this one and I'll go on my not-so-merry way that has been ever present these days. Oh, that reminds me... My dad, too...

So, in this random mishmash of garbage today, you get to hear about our quail nest. Just at the top of our driveway, we had a HUGE lizard on the wall, which turned out to be stalking a nest full of quail eggs. (Fourteen to be exact!) I only discovered this when I scared him while trying to take his picture and he ran into the bush. When I moved the branches of the bush to try to see him, he ran out -- as did mama quail, at which time I spied the nest in the rocks with 14 eggs!

Gosh, how long has it been there now? And you know what? I see daddy quail on it more than mama quail! What's up with that? I didn't know they shared duties, but maybe with that lizard lurking, they struck a deal.

What's so humorous about that, you ask? Well, it's been a while and still no peeps. So, Marti asked me the other day how long the eggs take to hatch and when I looked at it, if they were getting any bigger.

You read that right, and damn straight I told him that was going straight to the blog!!!

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So, there's this guy that my mom married, and sometimes I call him dad.

Sometimes I wonder WTF!?!?!

Dad had always been into racing. Motorcycles, cars, whatever. I hear when my brother was 5 months old, dad zipped him into his jacket and went dirt biking. Nice...

So, yea. NASCAR weekend was a busy week at work with all the pit crews and drivers coming into town. It all started on a Thursday and was over on Sunday. Guess who was not only in the state, but in town that whole time (and then some!) and didn't call me once until a scant 3 hours before he was leaving town a week after he arrived?

Guess who never once asked about his one and only granddaughter until I showed up without her to "receive" something from him on behalf of my now deceased grandmother on his way out of town? I told him it was my mom's night with her and she had taken Abby out to dinner.

Honestly, I'm actually glad he didn't tell me he was coming into town for a week. I'm glad I didn't spend the entire week wondering WTF and if he was ever going to call. I'm glad I didn't spend an entire week running around to stay ahead of schedule on the off chance that he'd call, just to be let down at the end of the night when the phone never rang, or if it did ring, it was only so he could pass along his last minute excuse for bailing on me. And yes, that's what would have happened. That's pretty much how it went for the weeks upon weeks that he was here around the holidays before his mother died. It sucked.

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I had another grandmother die the previous December and we recently bought her car from my other dad. (The guy that actually ACTS like a dad!) Our garage has acted as a receptacle for everything baby for the last 5 years, so needless to say, there's no room for a third car and we're not quite ready to sell the second car yet.

Every weekend as we get closer and closer to another Arizona summer, I feel the pressure to clean out the garage so we can finally take possession of the car and move it into our garage. (Our association forbids parking on the street for more than 24 hours, so we just leave the car at my mom's for now.) This weekend was the weekend to get to work on the garage for numerous reasons. (The prime reason was I needed some alone time and it is a solo task for me!)

While out there, I went through all of Abby's clothes one "last" (?) time and pulled a few choice pieces to keep for memories' sake. I put boxes and boxes of clothes, toys, and baby gear out to the driveway to be donated to Goodwill. As the day went on, I started self-medicating with beer. I don't know. Maybe that helped, maybe it made it worse. But, I got R.E.A.L.L.Y D.E.P.R.E.S.S.E.D!!!!!!

It's always tough for me to go through the baby stuff because it symbolizes lost dreams and pointless plans we made. It brings up all too vivid memories of my miscarriages and everything I felt when they happened. Basically, when I dive into the boxes of stuff, all the cows come home to roost. (I know, it's chickens, but whatever!!!) And ALL that stuff just comes pouring out. Every. Time.

It is sooooo hard parting with the stuff, but I know it just weighs me down. That's partly why we're donating it all instead of selling it. We can give it away in one fell swoop. My brother had a saying about trying to make something hurt less by "cutting the puppy's tail off one inch at a time" and it's better to just lop it off in one fell swoop. So, lop I did!!!!

Well, I TRIED to, at least.

Apparently all the stuff wouldn't fit in the SUV, so I had to move a little bit of it back into the garage for now. But a good portion of it was in Marti's SUV to go away. He did NOT like that and ended up emptying half of it back into the garage in a not so delicate manner!

He's pissed. I'm pissed. The garage is more of a mess than when I started. I still have baby gear all over the place. I'm certain he didn't even KNOW I spent the day out there bawling my eyes out.

Is it wrong for me to resent the fact that he doesn't know what this does to me?

Is it wrong for me to resent that he didn't anticipate how much it would hurt, let alone notice the tear streaked face every time he came into the garage?

Was it wrong for me to be mad at him while I sat atop the ladder crying as he merrily jaunts into the garage obliviously asking if we have any margarita mix?

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Not bad for a "not feelin' it" kind of night. That was much more than I thought I'd get out here!

Not So Proud of Arizona Today

I can't add much to what Julie already said on this other than, as an Arizonan, I am LIVID! As you can see from my recent history, I'm a little short on words lately, but I feel the need to get this out there.

Arizona non grata

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/04/arizona-non-grata.html

It Was a Nice Place to Visit, But...

I wouldn't want to live there.

We have some great neighbors with a little girl that is just a bit younger thsn Abby. They have play dates and recently they took Abby without me there for her first unsupervised play date because I had stuff to do. Tonight they needed me to watch their daughter, so naturally, I agreed to have her over for a while so they could do what they needed to. She was an angel!

The thing is, when I got the call, Abby was already in the middle of another play date. Well, that wasn't a problem, but I just had to leave a little earlier than I would have normally.

I asked the dad of the first date kids if he wanted to drop them off at my place since I was going to be tied down anyway, and then he, my husband, and the others could go out and play without worrying about the kids.

At first they all declined, but of course as soon as I got home I got the call that they would be dropping them off.

So, I'm getting to my point.

While it was a blast for me and the kids today, I can't see it being fun on a regular basis. I didn't even have time to let our dogs out, let alone get any household chores done.

So, as I was saying, I thought tonight was fun to "visit" but I wouldn't want to live there.

I am not meant to be that mom with a whole brood of kids. I am embracing these little peeks at the life I'm missing out on. They make things easier sometimes.

Random, Vivid Dream

I had the most random dream! It was so vivid that it made me kind of laugh when I woke up.

A little back story to this is that Abby never really was a nurser. I had to pump almost exclusively. So, there were difficulties that I guess are still sticking with me.

Back to the dream. I kept dreaming that I was trying to get a baby to nurse. (And it wasn't Abby as far as I could tell.) I was trying over and over and over to get the baby to latch on, but to no avail.

When I woke up, my chest was dripping wet with sweat just like when I first came home from having Abby! That seems to be one thing nobody warns new moms about. They could have warned me I was going to sweat like a whore in church and that it would be wise to sleep on and with bath towels for a while just to make things easier when I woke up drenched in the middle of the night. I'm not usually a sweater, so I do remember how odd that all seemed to me.

So, not only did I wake up with a sweaty chest, but the next day, my breasts were sore, just like when their sole purpose was feeding Abby.

So weird!

I mentioned it to Marti, and with a totally straight face, he asked me, "Is that why you kept trying to stick your nipple in my mouth last night?"

Ha ha! For a split second I believed him that I might have done that in my sleep!

She Gets it. She Gets it Not.

Anyone who has spent any time around little kids knows that from time to time they say or do things that can make you cringe. After reading one father's tale, I know better than to accept a "cup of tea" unless I predetermine from where the water was obtained.

My daughter, Abby, can generally be trusted in matters of the potty, but at four years old, she still does not grasp the idea of "if an item touches something dirty, then that item is now dirty, too - at least until it is properly cleaned, if it is a washable item." Likewise, once said item is dirty, EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING it touches is just as dirty.

Abby has some cute little pink princess gloves that she loves to wear. I have had to tell her every time she goes potty that she has to take them off so they don't get dirty. She's starting to understand that, if only on a procedural level.

That brings us to this quiet Sunday morning. Earlier today, I noticed her gloves sitting on top of a box in the bathroom. When she brought them to me and asked me to help her put them on, I didn't think anything of it. I just assumed she had taken them off and forgotten them in there yesterday.

As things always go with little ones at this age, as soon as I got the gloves on her, she had to go potty! I gently reminded her that even though it would be disappointing to take them off JUST as she had gotten them on, she'd HAVE TO take them off to go potty or they could get dirty.

Sharp little girl that she is, she instantly agrees with me, and even goes so far as to share a quick little tale to show her understanding. It went a little like this:

"Yea, they fell in the toilet yesterday."

< SHUDDER >

Next lesson in germs: even though they are now DRY, they LOOK clean, and you can't TELL that they were in the toilet yesterday, the gloves are still FILTHY!!!

Time to Delurkify!

Guess what? It's officially International Blog Delurking Week!

It is the first week in January each year, so that would be NOW -- January 4-10 this year!

Feel free to leave a comment letting me know you were here. If for any reason you prefer that I don't publish your comment, just start it off with "do not publish." I'm pretty darned good at following directions. ;)

For the rest of you, say hi or whatever you feel like saying in the comments section. I know who some of my readers are, but would love to hear from the mystery visitors.

Spread the word on your own blogs about International Blog Delurking Week! Quick, before it's over! Oh, and leave me a link if you have a blog and you're open to visitors!

It's MY Email Address and NO You Can't Use It!

What would you do if you kept getting emails from companies that think you are their customer? It appears that someone keeps entering MY email address in her personal info pages with her online accounts, so I keep getting her notifications.

I get her auto-pay notices and advertisements from her internet company, her satellite dish company, her cell phone company, and also her bank!

As an unwilling recipient of these emails, I know WAY too much about her, down to the pay per view movies she has ordered...

I can click the emails as spam, but I still seem to get them. I can reply to the email and ask them to remove me, but usually the emails don't go through at all or get a reply. (Obviously!)

I tried calling their customer service and letting them know. I requested that they remove my email from her account info, but they refused, as I am not the account holder. (Grrrrr!)

But I am the EMAIL ADDRESS HOLDER -- not HER!!!!!!

Finally, it dawned on me (after MONTHS of this!) that I do have power to fix this.

When you go to the login page of a website, you enter your email address and password. If you don't know your password, they email it to you. Well, they email it to ME!

So, I reset her password and got into one of her accounts to try to remove my address.

SCORE!

While I was in there, I poked around and got her phone number and address. I called to see if I could find out why she's doing this and ask her to remove my address from the rest of her accounts as well as not enter it in any of her other accounts anymore.

She hasn't called me back.

Sure, the message I left was literally just my name and number and a request to call me back. Maybe I should list her specific account numbers in my next message to see if she takes me a little more seriously and calls me back. That would get MY attention.

Done.

My father.

I'm so done!

He moved his mom down here to die about a month ago. She died sooner than was expected -- this past Sunday.

I called him as soon as I heard and he informed me that my brother was there and it was not necessary for me to come. (My brother doesn't speak to me and is very uncomfortable if I'm around.) Turns out, that day my brother took my dad over to our cousin's house and they cooked some traditional family food together, so that was good.

Monday I called my dad again to see how he was doing, to let him know I was still standing by, and that I was ready to help wherever needed. He said he was still waiting to figure things out -- or for someone else to figure it out for him. I offered to help again, telling him that I am good in these types of situations, and he basically gave me the brush off, so I left him alone at that point to a certain extent. I wasn't going to take that day off work just to go over to my grandmother's apartment and watch him stare at things. And every time in the last month or so that I've asked him if we should do this or that or whatever, his response is, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," or something along those lines.

Tuesday I tried to get over myself and sent him a text asking if he wanted to have dinner together. I was thinking it would be nice to get together away from the whole situation.

He didn't reply. This is the guy that has had his stupid new bl.ueto.oth stuck in his ear for the last couple of weeks no matter what he's doing. I swear to God, he must sleep with it in his ear! And he couldn't be bothered to reply to my text.

Wednesday I still didn't hear from him.

Guess what happened on Thursday?

Nothing.

Today -- Friday -- he sent me a text asking when a good time to call would be. I replied with "Now is fine." He called (~1:30 pm) and after asking ME when we can get together and talk, he basically told me he would call me LATER.

?????????

I don't know where he was at the time, but he said he first had to go to her apartment and then get back, so we'd get together and talk after that. It sounded almost like he thought he would be done before I got off work. He said he'd "call me first."

I understand that as, "Don't call me. I'll call you."

So, I hurry home to take care of things so that when he calls, I'm free to get together and whatever...

I got off at 4 pm and by 6:30 pm, I was fed up. (As if waiting for a reply since TUESDAY after being blown off since SUNDAY wasn't bad enough!)

I was cooking dinner for Abby and on the phone with my mom when finally he called.

Guess what?

He wanted to know if maybe we could get together on Saturday...

Really?

Really?

I rattled off a list of things I have planned for tomorrow all the way from 9:30 am until well after 10 pm, and you know what he said?

"We'll play it by ear."

Are you fucking kidding me?????????

We'll play it by ear.
Everything is good time.
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Well, Dad, your daughter is absolutely fed up and done with you.

How do you like that bridge?

Placebo?

Is it the meds or is it just me?

I have taken exactly 4 pills so far and I feel different. It's too soon, isn't it?

In the morning, when I wake up, I am AWAKE. For those of you that know me, this is HUGE! This alone could be life changing!

I have no idea if this is even supposed to happen, but 4 mornings in a row, I have been pretty much awake as soon as (or, if you can imagine, BEFORE) the first alarm goes off.

SO WEIRD!!!!

Another thing about today was that something that normally sets me off had no effect on me at all. I could practically hear the sugar in my voice while dealing with a normally difficult situation, and it was spooky!

So is this a good thing, or am I on my way to Stepford Wife?

Another person told me that while I was dealing with some unforeseen difficulties today that she would have snapped and started yelling (or something to that extent) but get this -- I had to stop and think about what she was referring to. I was not even mildly peeved! Normally I'm always irate and the first to notice when something is irritating.

So far I'm only on half a dose and I like how the last few days have been. I'll continue, but I wonder what the next step will bring. Will the increased dose be better for me? Or is this current dose "just right?"

All I know is that for the last few days, I can't remember wanting to (or actually) shouting "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!" which, for me, up until this weekend, was at LEAST a daily occurrence. And that's saying a LOT considering the mess that has presented itself to me since my paternal grandmother died Sunday.

Final Nail in the Coffin

Who would have thought that something so bad would be so good?

This weekend Marti and I had some issues to sort out, and in the process, I realized that I am 100% done even thinking about babies now.

I love him. I love our little girl. I do not want to risk what we already have.

There is already a strain on our relationship because of the little time we get to spend together. Another 5 years of pregnancy/baby/toddler to get back up to speed where we are now would be catastrophic to our relationship. At least that is what I think.

So, I have moved past the "we're done trying, but I suppose if there's an accident, I guess that would be ok" stage to "we're done, and are you going to get a vasectomy, or what?" stage.

It's funny watching my own thought process in getting to where I need to be. I know were I want to be, and on any given day, I can tell where I am. Usually they are not the same. I am pretty darn close to where I need to be now.

There has been a lot that has brought me to this point. It has not been easy. Who knows if it will even last through the week. ;) But for now, I think I am at peace knowing it is the best decision for my family to give it up 100%. As much as I'd like Abby to have a sibling, I am more committed to keeping her WONDERFUL father in her home and in her life. < for those that know me/my own family situation, snide cross reference is fully intended >

I want to try taking the medicine for my depression again now that there will be no risk to a baby. I will wait for the weekend after Thanksgiving and see how that goes. Last time was a fiasco, but understandably so. This time I will make sure I take the right dose, make sure I take it on a day I don't have to be at work, and as an added bonus, I'll avoid taking it for the first time on a holiday when I have family to entertain. Woo hoo! Sounds like a great plan, right?

My hopes are that it makes me less susceptible to the irritation I have been feeling at every.little.thing lately, yet still able to feel NORMAL. I don't want to feel numb. I'd rather be a bitch than a lump.

We'll see how that goes. For now, I just hope this sense of resolve is real and not fleeting.

Family - you gotta love 'em!

Father and Grandmother: Arrived Sunday night without warning. Since then, just vague texts and nothing even resembling a plan or invitation to come see them. I can’t call Grandmother, as she doesn’t have a cell phone, and I refused to call my father until he showed a smidgen of social normalcy.

Grandmother: Wednesday morning – difficulty breathing

Me: Wednesday, 11:14 am – receive text from father informing me grandmother was in hospital. Finally sick of waiting for my father to let me know if it’s ok to come visit her, I go to hospital at lunch to see grandmother for first time in 15 years.

Father: Before I even sit down after entering the room, asks me if I’m “carrying a little one.”

Me: “Fuck you very much, no. You don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant! What were you thinking???” Lovely timing, on top of completely clueless. I refrained from saying, “Had you been even remotely involved or interested in my life during the last (4) decade(s), you would know how incredibly insensitive that was to say,” and said only, “I’m sure it’s the lingering effects of the 4 pregnancies.” < awkward silence as he does the math and realizes he has only one grandchild >

Moving On

Just Waiting for the Fat Lady

There should be a sound effect with this crash!

So, now what?

It's been over before, but with hope of me talking Marti into trying again. Now that I'm done, NOW WHAT????

Setting the Stage for a FANTASTIC Day!

Those of you familiar with charting basal body temperature know what this means. When I wake up tomorrow, I'm probably going to have a little visitor.

In the past, I wasn't the type to get cranky around the time of my period, but as I've gotten older, I certainly notice that I do now!

So, the cranky thing is already starting.

If I get my period tomorrow, I'm also going to (OBVIOUSLY) not be pregnant, which brings a whole new level of bad mood to the equation.

I also convinced myself that I'm done trying, so this month will be an especially emotional failure, I'm sure.

Oh, and then there's my dad. The biological one.

For nearly a month now, he's been up in Northern California talking about moving my 90 year old grandmother down here to live closer to my family. (Curious that she's not moving into her own SON'S town - her old home town, but whatever.)

A week ago, he still hadn't made ONE phone call to the place she wishes to live. I hadn't heard anything from them for well over a week now and never did hear any definite plans as to when he was actually hitting the road.

Tonight I got a message from him that they have crossed the Colorado River and they are staying in Quartzite tonight. I should expect a daytime arrival tomorrow.

What.

The.

FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

The man never ceases to amaze me. Is there a normal person on this planet that wouldn't call to say they were leaving and let family know ROUGHLY when to expect them?

The fact that he lives in Los Angeles and is sleeping in Quartzite tonight also tells me that he probably expected to finish the trip tonight! Who drives from LA to Quartzite (presumably after at least 2 days of "taking the scenic route" from Eureka to LA) to spend the night when the ENTIRE trip from LA to PHX is only 6 hours? He had to have made the decision to drive through LA and make it to Phoenix earlier in the day and then realized half way here that he just couldn't make it. I mean, he doesn't have any money, so why would he take on the added expense of a night in a hotel if he didn't have to? And Quartzite, for God's sake!!!!

So, unless I'm mistaken, he was going to show up unannounced, for all intents and purposes. (*see footnote)

What a complete fucking asshole!

Soooooooo, I will go to work as usual tomorrow, pick Abby up when I get off, and then be obligated to drive out to see them, unfortunately but hopefully, on the other side of town where her assisted care facility is. That is, IF he made those arrangements and she actually HAS a place to stay when they arrive.

And where is he staying if she does have a place? Is he staying with her?????? He sure the fuck isn't staying in my house!

Oh, what a joyous day tomorrow is going to be. I'm absolutely disgusted and I haven't even seen him yet. Things don't usually get better once I hear him start speaking. He's just "one of those guys" that has that effect.

Where's my rewind button? I am going to need it tomorrow!!!!

(*footnote)
Turns out he PLANNED on crashing in Quartzite, but instead, powered through to Phoenix and arrived supposedly around 9pm. He officially gave no notice that they were coming.

Yes, I did get a message that was time stamped around 7:30 pm saying he was staying on the CA/AZ border for the night, but he didn't stay there! He kept going and arrived that same night. No notice. No head up. No common courtesy. No consideration.

What.
A.
Tool!

No. Really. Seriously?

Quit faking, stupid chart.

Nine negative pregnancy tests, and my temp is still not falling. It started to fall, right on schedule, but then changed its mind. Brutal. End it already! Just get it over with!

More on That Later...

It was quite a while ago when I said I'd post something I was thinking about, and I just realized I'm sitting here with free time on my hands and I still haven't posted it.

Here's the scoop. I once tried to join a book club. I missed the first book, but read it anyway - after the fact. Then I read the next one, but just HATED it so much that I couldn't bear to think about meeting a bunch of people for the first time and being so negative!

However; there was one part of the book that I loved.

The book was the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. The book was mostly tedious to me, as it was written from a teen's point of view IN A TEEN'S VOICE! It was like reading a C student's journal. Brutal!

The part I did love was not until the end. And it hit me like a wall. All the time I was reading the book, I was hating it. Yet, when I hit this part of the book, I was humbled. It made such sense to me.

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. Just like what my sister said when I had been in the hospital for a while. She said that she was really worried about going to college, and considering what I was going through, she felt really dumb about it. But I don't know why she would feel dumb. I'd be worried, too. And, really, I don't think I have it any better or worse that she does. I don't know. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam said. Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."

So, that's the part I took to heart.

How many times have you been worried or upset about something and then heard a friend tell you about something they were upset about? Does one need to be worse than the other? Is only one person allowed to be upset at that point? Is it insensitive for the one who was slighted LESS to feel upset even when they know their friend has been dealt a worse hand?

I say NO!

The two events/situations are independent of each other and deserve separate feelings.

Perspective is good, but I don't think people should feel like they are not entitled to their own feelings just because they know their friends/family have had it worse.

It's an awkward situation when one finds new love just as another is dumped from a seemingly loving and secure relationship. But should the dating friend not feel joyful for herself? No. Sensitivity is called for, but the new love IS happening and should not be hidden.

It pains me to see women shy away from sharing such wonderful news of a new love or a long awaited pregnancy because she has friends that are not experiencing the same things with her.

I understand not gushing over every loving glance, or every little symptom or kick. But to hide these things entirely?

I can't speak from every perspective, but only from my own. As I have made my way through this struggle to build a family, I have occasionally felt a twinge of envy when I hear the good news of others. But, that twinge is dwarfed considerably by the joy that I feel when I hear how happy my friends are!

The pain I may feel on any given day is not lessened by the joy I feel for my friends, nor is the joy I feel lessened by the pain I have felt.

So, if I'm going to feel my own pain - no matter what - why would I not WELCOME the good news of others into my life? The good news of others may not dull the pain, but it enriches the soul.

At this point in my life, I welcome all the good news I can find.

Roller Coaster Ride, Anyone?

Looks like I'm in for a little tiny one. Today my temp is back up just a smidge, so it's not dropping like a rock like I thought it was going to do. Does this mean there is still hope after all this month? (Don't answer - that's rhetorical!)

I am very aware it's probably going to keep dropping after this, but it's still nice to think - even for one more day before giving up - that there could be a baby in the making.

Creme de la Creme

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2009

Time to submit your links for the Creme de la Creme for 2009!

I feel a little like a fish out of water doing so, but what the heck! I did it! I don't think anyone else would have chosen the post I did, but I chose it for reasons that are not so obvious. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, anyone else sees in it.

Can't wait to see everyone on the list in January!

Towel Cocked and Ready to Throw

I'm a couple of days away from throwing in the towel. I know what's coming. It sucks, but it is what it is, and I'm more prepared to deal with it now than I was before. I'm eternally thankful that Marti at least agreed to try again for a little while so I could have better closure.

As it is, my temp is tanking, so it's just a matter of time.

I was hoping for better results after the cl.om.id this month, but, alas, that didn't help. And now I'm 41. A tired 41 - not a young, spry, energetic 41. I originally wanted to try through the end of the year or more, but I really think this should be it.

Now it's going to be time to get on with our life how we are today. Family of three. Looking back now, it's amazing that we even crossed over from the two of us to the three of us. How lucky we really are! All the early losses, and now not getting pregnant at all -- HOW did we ever end up with Abby?

The nagging question now is -- do we prevent now?!?!?! How do I go from desperately trying one month, to preventing the next? I don't know how to wrap my head around that yet.

Once I get a grip on that, I think it will be time to start purging all the baby gear and clothes. That's going to be hard, because it takes actually DOING something instead of NOT doing something. I don't think I'm going to be ready to let go of all our THINGS yet. Weird, huh? I am starting to let go of the dreams, but not the things.

What's wrong with me? ;)

OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!!!!

I am having some pretty intense cramps for "no reason" today and especially last night. This same thing happened in the past when I was pregnant! Do you think it could be true?

It's way too soon to test today, but I'm running hopeful this week until I can test.

Creative Incentive

Those of you that know me well, know that it drives me INSANE when my husband doesn't close things. On his list of things to work on right now is specifically closing the doors on the laundry "room." He's not doing so well with that.

I don't like them open because they are bifold doors and they stick out into the hall, so it interrupts my walking path. I'm not a believer in feng shui, but I think not having an uninterrupted flow of traffic in a home definitely adds to the subconscious irritation factor, so in a sense, there is something to all that, I guess.

So, anyway, I asked him to work on that "task" next and he's failing miserably at that one. Usually he does better when I "task" him with something like this.

I needed a creative way to make him want to close the doors, as it is obviously something that does not irritate HIM.

I thought about a flag that hangs in the middle of the doors that would fall down when he opens it that would say "CLOSE THE DOORS!" But that would just in the way of doing the laundry, so that won't work.

I thought about writing a note on the inside fold of each door that says "close me" but I then got an even better idea. One that would really make him WANT to close the doors -- not just because I told him to.

Unpleasant words. No orders or commands or even requests. Just words he doesn't want to see or read on a regular basis. Not that he's got anything against a couple of these, but I'm sure they are just not what he wants blatantly posted on items in his home. And then there are the ones that are TRULY unpleasant. :)

I think this one will be a hit. :) Nothing says "close the door please" like "BLOODY STOOL," don't you think?

Over The Top!

I was given this award by Flying Monkeys(*) over at One Eye Open and Dreaming...

Thanks!!

(*) I'm not sure if her real name is public over there, so I'll err on the side of caution and leave it off for now.

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

• USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
  
• Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2.Your hair? wet

3. Your mother? kind

4. Your father? which?

5. Your favorite food? comfort

6. Your dream last night? naked!
7. Your favorite drink? beer

8. Your dream/goal? completion

9. What room are you in?bedroom

10. Your hobby? boring

11. Your fear? dancing

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren’t? timid

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? another

17. Where did you grow up? California

18. Last thing you did? ponytail

19. What are you wearing? shirt

20. Your TV? off

21. Your pets? priceless

22. Friends? missed

23. Your life? elusive

24. Your mood? resigned

25. Missing someone? Denise

26. Vehicle? Honda

27. Something you’re not wearing? pants

28. Your favorite store? Home Depot!

29. Your favorite color? yellow

30. When was the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? forgot! :)

32. Your best friend? Marti

33. One place that I go to over and over? dark

34. One person who emails me regularly? Marti

35. Favorite place to eat? outside

I'm not sure who will play along, but let's see...

1. Donna at I'm not ashamed of having infertility-just pissed
2. SPM at Sassy Pants Mommy
3. Vanessa at Living Life... One Day at a Time
4. Jadis at Mom to a Pint-Sized Pinochet
5. (Jennifer - I'd tag you, but you went private, so you're mentally tagged, I guess!)
6. (Amanda - I'd tag you, but don't want you to feel obligated to post anything until you are ready!)

For Amanda

Hope you're doing well!

I was waiting in line at Disney to see Tinkerbell and ran into a woman who actually doesn't live far from me! The only reason I know this is because she was wearing this and we started talking...


Turns out she AND her sister-in-law both have it and would LOVE to conquer chiari! (Yes, they BOTH have it and they are not blood related -- how random, huh?!?!)

Anyway, I took this picture to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope you're recovering quickly!

Some Results

I got my day 3 FSH test results back and it's down to 6.7 now. That is within what this lab calls normal! (2.8 - 11.3 is normal to them.)

Does that make me hopeful? Unfortunately, no. From all that I can see, it looks like you're only as good as your worst level. So, if my levels were elevated before, then that's the number they would figure my odds on.

I still got blood drawn today for the day 10 test and we'll see how that turns out. Not that it makes a difference, but it's just nice to know a little more about where I stand.

Wonderful Post - Elsewhere

I just read this on another blog and had to share. I found it really moving.

This is Where the Wild Things Are

Those of you that have known me a long time probably know I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. This may help explain a part of that if you read all the way through. Sometimes things take their toll on us and while we want to be the same as before, we're not. We're just not.

FSH Test, Here I Come!!!

I actually made it through today without a sign of "it," so it looks like I'll be able to do the FSH test now! Woo hoo!

FSH Test hope!!!

TMI warning – it’s all girlie/cycle talk, so move along if you don’t want to read about that sort of stuff.

Quick update on the FSH test status – I just may get to do it this cycle after all! If AF can just hold out one more day, I’ll be golden!

I was originally pissed that I didn’t start on the 6th (on my average 12 DPO), because I was SURE it was going to come on a day that would make me have to skip the test this month due to our being out of town and/or test days landing on a Sunday. If I get it today, I would end up with a Sunday test as well as a Sunday test on vacation! THAT’S NO GOOD!

So, if I, by some odd miracle, get it tomorrow (16 DPO – nearly unheard of for me!) then I get my way finally! My temp is plummeting, but has not quite crossed under that coverline, so I’m thinking I just might squeak in under the wire tomorrow – and that would be fan-freakin’-tastic!!!!

I may not like the answer I get, but at least I would get SOME kind of clue as to where I stand in this thing.

FSH Test (Or is that Non-Test?)

Looks like I'm going to have to wait another cycle to take the FSH test. I may not end up with a Sunday (lab closed) test date again this cycle, but I'm almost guaranteed to end up with test dates that land me on vacation out of state on one of the test dates.

Hmph.

Or, I could end up pregnant and this would be a moot point.

What do you want to bet I'll be on vacation playing "coulda, shoulda, woulda" with the idea of finding a lab near Disney? ;)

My bet's on "C-S-W."

Disney: the happiest place on earth -- unless you're obsessing about information that one way or another continues to elude you month after month!

Too bad our foster-dog-mom/house sitter can't sit in at the lab and take care of this for me while I'm gone, too!

My Last Words to Her Were...

"Try not to get wet."

I'm not sure what I expected from a three year old, but this is what I got:


And then there was this: (off topic, but check her out being totally distracted from MY moment at hand and going on with her own thoughts -- chasing down some grackles on the lawn and shouting, "EAGLE!" at them LOL! Eagle? Really? LOL!!!!)


And while we're listing what I got, let's not forget the giggles I got while sitting on the bench just laughing at the sight of her running through the fountain fully clothed and her truly not giving a shit! It was warm, we had a towel in the car and nowhere else to go. What the heck! Why NOT let her just have fun?

Feeling Irrelevant

This weekend wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it wasn't great, either.

Saturday we went to a birthday party for our friends' son. Marti got a message while he was there asking if he wanted to come over and hang out with some other guys. He asked if I minded, and I didn't, so he went.

I didn't realize until later that I sort of did. I shouldn't, I guess, but I did. We get so little time together. I got semi-dolled up and he ran off to be with the guys. Boo! You know what though? I wanted him to. I would want to have the freedom to see my friends if something came up, so why shouldn't he be able to, also? But, I did miss him after he left.

Then Sunday mainly sucked. I did accomplish a couple of minor tasks in the back yard (fixed sprinklers and picked up what must have been a month's worth of dog poop) so I felt like the weekend wasn't a total waste (in the housekeeping department). Marti greeted me with a beer when I entered the house after my sudden (yet short) burst of motivation. I didn't even know we had any left! And OH it was hot outside, so that was one welcome beer! That was the good part of the day.

Then there were the phone calls. It was his sister's birthday, so I suggested a call. He called, put Abby on the phone, and he never put me on the phone. As it looked like he was going to close, I shouted happy birthday from across the room and, as I thought, he hung up the phone without offering me a chance to say anything. Nor did anyone on the other side ask to talk to me.

He also, on my prompt, called his grandmother in London. Guess who didn't get to talk to her and who she didn't ask to talk to this time?

Pht! Nevermind that it was my idea to call both of them. Whatever.

As the day went on, I didn't feel right in my tummy, so when Marti asked if I wanted anything specific for dinner, I kept passing. He said he felt like wings, so I said maybe a salad for me. He said had a place in mind and he'd call when he got there.

Turns out he went to a different place than what he mentioned. (I would have suggested driving elsewhere.)

Turns out he ordered me a Caesar salad THEN called me after the order was placed - still not telling me where he chose to pick up from. (I didn't want a Caesar on an upset stomach, and would have had a different salad MAYBE, but probably no salad had I known he was at this place.)

He came home (and not really his fault for not knowing Caesar was a bad choice), and I peeked at the salad. It sucked. The chicken was stuck to the lid as if it was sitting in the fridge like that all day. There were tomatoes (?) on it, a packet of "sandy" Parmesan cheese, a packet of croutons, and guess what? NO DRESSING!

So, I checked our fridge - but came up with 3 bottles of expired dressing and some Italian that would "do." Or so I thought.

I tossed the Italian all over the salad and started to eat it, but it still sucked royally. I ate the chicken and threw the entire lettuce portion away.

Then Abby was doing something that bugged me while she sat at her table, so I said something to her. She didn't even look at me, let alone respond. Again. Again.

Finally, I just looked at Marti and said I was going to bed. It was something like 7:30 pm and I was done. I went to bed and tried hard to just check out to sleepy time land.

Marti bathed Abby and read her what sounded like 50 books then put her to bed. I didn't get so much as a good night from her, let alone a hug and a kiss. She still wasn't even acknowledging my existence. (Nor was he.)

He then went on the computer and that sort of bugged me since it's in our room and it was keeping me awake. I suggested he find some football on tv and let me sleep. He followed my lead and did just that. (No hugs or kisses from him, either.)

In the morning Abby woke up and they both went downstairs for coffee/milk and some hoops in the back yard. Still no good morning or hugs or kisses.

Hello!!! I'm here!!!!! WTF????

As I was leaving for work, I popped in to Abby's violin practice with her dad and gave her a hug and kiss good bye. Marti always acts like I'm interrupting something urgent when I say good bye to them, so I guess I felt rushed and went on my way. As I got on the freeway, I realized I never gave him a hug and kiss goodbye -- just Abby. Boo, me!!!!

I sent him a message acknowledging my flub.

That night we watched TV after he got home and then went upstairs for bed. I got into bed and he got on the PC. I realized I still hadn't kissed him all day, so I got out of bed and kissed him on the cheek as he checked his scores or stocks or whatever online. Then back to bed I went.

The next morning (today) I mentioned that I thought it would be great if he didn't do violin practice right when I was leaving every morning. I wanted to explain how he makes me feel like I'm intruding when I want to kiss them good bye, but he cut me off and walked away.

I continued getting ready, then interrupted violin practice to give them each a hug and kiss good bye. He commented sarcastically that he actually got a hug and kiss good bye today.

...

Stew on it for a while at work, and then out goes the email...

Still no response to said email.

But seriously! Should I have to feel like an intruder in my own home? Should I have to pry a kiss or a hug out of my husband? We get so little time/affection as it is. Does he really need to limit it further by doing her practice at a time when he KNOWS it's at least customary to give a hug and a kiss - if not desperately needed sometimes????

Is it unnatural to shy away from someone if they treat you like an intruder?

This just isn't healthy and it makes me sad.

It Started With Glass of Cabernet

As you have already read, "it started with a glass of cabernet."

Then, there was the dribble.

It was on a red tank top, so I didn't think much of it. But, it was a NEW red tank top, so I took it to the sink to wash it.

Well, this could have gone two ways at this point: a stain story or hot steamy sex because I inadvertently went topless in an effort to avoid the stain story. If you've been a regular reader here for long, you know I don't usually get into the hot/steamy stuff, so we can all safely assume that this will be a stain story. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry to disappoint!

ANYWAY... I had just put Abby to bed, so I just tossed the tank in her sink, turned on the tap and gave it a scrub. The red wine was REMARKABLY set into the red tank, so I moved on to tthe Shout. That didn't work, so next I tried detergent. (I would hate to skip the obvious, after all!)

All of a sudden, Abby shouted for help!!!!!

Oh, I put her hair in rollers tonight, and one got loose. But, you girls know that they don't just come loose. They TANGLE like bitter dejected rollers on their way out. And yes, they did!

I did my best to get them out while not turning her off to the tools of femininity and ignored the faucet that was still running over my stained red tank. I figured the little hole in the sink would let any overflow out of the sink.

I figured wrong!

I returned to the bathroom to a pool that was QUICKLY approaching the carpet and had taken over the cabinet - inside, outside, and under!

I quickly sacrificed my precious daughter's bath towels to the flood gods and sopped up what I could. As I did this, I was immediately thankful that I had JUST cleaned all the dog hair off her bathroom floor just one day prior! A wet mess is one thing. A wet hairy mess is an entirely different animal!

In the end, the stain NEVER came out, but the bathroom floor is still clean. (Just like yesterday!)

I guess I'm going to have to soak my new tank in wine tomorrow to even out the red tones. Would it be bad to ring out the shirt and drink the wine that's left over?

I kid!!!!!!!!!

Gah!!!!!! (postscript)

Perhaps a little context would be helpful. I just went back and read my last post and found it lacking perspective.

That was just a blip in time and the frustration I felt at that time was just that: at that time.

There are many other things that are worse, so to go off about such minor issues in the grand scheme of things seems a little, well, off. And I didn't explain that in my post.

Truth be told, I've reached a point where I think all I'm looking for (read: expecting) is closure. So, to hear me say "most of all" in my last post and have the peak of my frustration be about getting blood drawn or not -- THAT is where that is coming from. One would expect the "most of all" to be about not becoming pregnant or holding onto a viable pregnancy, but at this point, I'm almost done hoping. And while I can't quite say I'm OK with that, I can say I'm not crawling into a corner and crying about it anymore.

So, I guess this is part of some grand process. At least that's what I'm hoping now. I hope that (barring the obvious: pregnancy) this is part of a closure process and over time that it becomes less painful and I can let go of all the "shoulda-coulda-wouldas" in my haphazard family planning.

I guess my next post can be about one small part of a book I read. More on that later.

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW am I not pregnant?

I know. I know. First of all, it takes more than a couple months of trying. Second of all, I’m not getting any younger. No, I’m not REALLY thinking I should absolutely be pregnant after just a couple months of hard core efforts. No, I’m not one of those that REALLY thinks 2 months is FOR.EV.ER to have been trying.

But, that doesn’t mean I have to wait 2 years to become frustrated with the process either. Besides, don’t the months and months of ME trying while he wasn’t preventing count for something? If so, we’ve been trying since mid-2007 with just a couple months off when I agreed to wait between jobs. Oh, how that sucked to prevent on purpose. Oh, what a pointless effort that probably was anyway.

MOST OF ALL, oh, MOST OF ALL, WHY did I finally win this battle with the medical professionals to get my visit covered and to find a way around paying $1000 for tests and fees, find a way to get the CCCT test done for just $50 a pop (!!!!!), only to have my lovely little visitor arrive on a FREAKIN’ FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!?!?

The lab is open on Saturdays, so having CD1 on a Thursday would have been fine. Having CD1 on a Saturday would have been fine. Either way, CD3 and CD10 would have fallen on a day that they could have drawn blood and run the tests. Nope. Stupid me gets it on a Friday – the ONE FREAKIN’ DAY OF THE WEEK that I can’t get it on if I want to do the same tests as last time and compare the results side by side.

Seriously. WHY on a Friday? Why now?

I’m so bent right now.

I know. It’s not the end of the world. We can keep trying and nothing has changed. I’m just being a whiny baby because it felt like I FINALLY got my way in this insurance fight – I finally found a workaround – and now this. It’s just one more month. I need to get over it. But I can still be pissy about it for one day, right?

Happy Day!

Today I got mail from the health insurance company I had when I went to see the R.E. and guess what?

After all that fighting just to get the doctor’s office to just SUBMIT the stupid bill, after that REALLY bad day I had because I let myself get all pissed off, after they called me back the next day to say they WOULD submit it after all on the off chance it would get paid --- it appears that the bill got paid!!!!

I thought the claim would be denied and then I’d have to fight it. After fighting it, there was a chance it was still not going to be covered. All I had to go on was that different reps told us different things on every call prior to the visit. I did write down one guy’s name and what he said exactly (“Definitely will be covered”) and that was the best I had to go on. It wasn’t even in writing, although they COULD review the recorded call if they wanted to.

But go figure! The visit was just covered without a fight with the insurance company!!!! Sure, I ended up fighting with the billing person at the office just to get her to submit it, but it appears it’s now DONE!

And, to top it off, I got a great tip on a place here that does testing without the doctor’s orders! AND, my regular doctor gave me the Rx for the pills I need for the test I want, so I’m all set there, too!

Totally unrelated, but I also have a really awesome lunch today and I’m a happy girl! My cousin and my brother made potato dumplings and I was lucky enough to get a few sent over to my house! Woo hoo! Nothing like getting your way with a side of comfort food to make a day extra sunny!

Yup, it’s the little things that make me happy. :)

Shitty End to a Shitty Day

(Bonus points to anyone that manages to read this entire thing! I just scanned my rant and I think it took SEVEN clicks to get through the entire thing!!!!!)

Preface

Yesterday Abby woke me up because she peed on the bathroom floor. She was going to go in the toilet, but got distracted by a sticker stuck to her foot.

Enter: Frustration

TMI warning. REALLY gross lady talk coming in next 2 paragraphs.

In addition to Abby's accident, I was blessed with the biggest period accident in my entire life WHILE trying to clean up Abby's mess. I tried to be inconspicuous and not scare the shit out of my daughter, so I wiped it off the bathroom floor, the door, the door frame, and the carpet, then safely placed myself down on the toilet. I planned to handle this entire fiasco by myself so I could show Marti how much one person CAN handle without calling the other spouse to help if they really try.

My plan was to sit there until Abby got out of the shower and when she went into her room to dry off, I'd scooch on over into the shower and make myself presentable again. Everything was going great until she said she had to go to the bathroom! I wasn't about to get up and there was no way I was going to have her attempt to bring her dripping wet step stool and Elmo seat all the way to my bathroom toilet. Not after the first mess she made that morning!

I was still determined to handle it myself and not drag Marti out of bed, so I told her for this emergency, she could squat in the tub and pee. I had to clean the tub anyway!

And her reply? "I have to go poo poo."

Enter: Defeat

I call to Marti to come help.

Today

I woke to hear Abby saying SOMETHING downstairs. I had no idea what she was saying, but Marti was in the bathroom, so I got up to tend to her. When I got downstairs, she was standing in front of the TV with the cable remote trying to figure it out, saying something to the extent of, "I can't make it work."

Oh, and she was standing with her legs apart, obliviously peeing through the entire interaction.

I had to check to see if I was really awake!

I got her out of her wet clothes and stood her in the tub so she could have a quick shower, informed Marti what happened, and went downstairs to clean up the pee before it followed the grout lines under the furniture.

I came back upstairs to find Abby still unshowered and Marti casually drying off from HIS shower.

Enter: Rage

I had to go pee, so I opened our toilet and find it full of TP and semi drained. Looks like someone did his business, flushed, and walked off to take a shower without another care in the world.

Enter: Exasperation

I flushed it -- and plunged it just as it was about to overflow. After some very sweet and affectionate words from me (sarcasm intended) Marti helped Abby get HER shower and I was able to move forward with my morning.

But, as I approached the shower, I noticed the floor was all wet. He likes to point the shower head as far up as it will go, so, in effect, it sprays straight at the wall completely opposite of the shower head. I have no idea why he does that. He's not a tall man. I don't know why he'd ever need the spray that high. I really don't. We've talked about this before and I just don't get it. (And he just won't stop.) I even bought a new curved shower curtain rod to try to contain the overspray, but alas, it doesn't work well. I told him someday the floor is going to rot out and the shower will fall into the kitchen, but he doesn't care. Today I told him I'm getting a new shower head that can't point anywhere but down. I don't care if he doesn't like it. I'm getting one of those gentle rain shower heads. He'd have to try hard to make a mess with one of those, right?

So, so far, we have fresh memories of waking up yesterday to a mess that was made infinitely worse by mother nature, a new mess today, a usually attentive husband/daddy that picked a bad day to drop the ball, an unfortunately timed toilet clog, and a small flood outside my shower. This was all before I even brushed my teeth!

After my shower, I went downstairs and looked at my mail. The statement for the visit to the R.E. in July had arrived and there was no payment on it from the insurance company. I'm still not phased, as this was to be expected.

I got to work and thought, my day can only get better.

Enter: Naivete

I have this customer at work. They bought something from us. Their credit card was then "compromised" and I got a chargeback on the charge. The customer gave me a new card number and I ran that. The customer never got the credit for the chargeback our bank processed! I've been beating my head against a wall trying to get a.) his bank to talk to me and b.) his bank to give him his money back. Since I'm not a card holder, his bank won't talk to me. When he calls his bank, they say call the merchant and have them process the refund. I've sent him all my paperwork with tracking numbers and what not, but he can't explain that to the bank, and they won't talk to me. I feel like we need a conference call - but technically, this customer is not the cardholder. He just works in the department that uses the card. The owner is the cardholder. Owners of companies are busy people. So, I continue to bang my head against a brick wall in hopes of getting this guy his money back.

Later, I called my insurance company and started the process to dispute them not covering my doctor consultation. I told the representative that I was told to "absolutely have the consultation" and that it would "definitely be covered." The problem is, the woman who does the billing for the R.E. never submitted my claim!

Enter: Confusion

I called the doctor's office and was told that since they checked with my insurance company before my visit and they were told (and relayed to me) that my policy had a total exclusion on infertility coverage, that she didn't bother submitting it. She said it wouldn't be covered anyway, but if I could show her in writing what my dispute with the insurance company was, she'd submit it - otherwise she wasn't going to waste her time.

Enter: My boss to the locker room where I was trying to speak in private, as well as 2 other employees. Nice. Right when I'd like to go completely OFF on this dipshit on the phone, I have to keep my mouth shut. You see, at work I don't care to share that we're even trying until I know if it will work. If it works, I'll share the news because THEN it would be an issue to deal with at work since I'd need leave. Until then, it's my business.

So, dipshit on the phone tells me "I'm not going to waste my time submitting it" and tells me that I'm welcome to submit it myself. She tells me my insurance isn't going to cover it. I snap back that it's NOT her decision to make whether or not to submit the claim when I was told one thing and she was told another.

Whatever. I pretty much hung up on her after a short, "Ihavetogobye."

Day goes on. I take a long lunch and some retail therapy. Found a great deal on some things.

I go back to work, yada yada yada, and let's move on to picking Abby up from daycare. I am to discuss whether or not the 10 days vacation we just earned can be used as part of our 2 weeks notice that we're leaving for another school. Yesterday I got an "I don't know. Let me talk to Marsha." Today Marsha said our deposit is to cover the last 2 weeks and is non-refundable, so in effect, if we used the vacation time, we'd be getting paid for our vacation days. After the shit day I had, I somehow managed to calmly discuss my viewpoint with her and she said she'd get back to us tomorrow after discussing it with the owner.

Enter: Deadline to submit 2 weeks notice with a side of "stalling"

And, let's just get to the grand finale.

I got home and found my house strewn with garbage. The dog(s) went through the bathroom garbage and there was crap everywhere. That was pretty shitty, but what was even shittier was that they didn't eat the ovulation predictor tests or pregnancy tests.

Let me explain. It's not so great to go through a cycle and do all the tests alng the way, just to have it come up a bust. But, as each test is done and discarded, and then as the cycle comes to a close, it's just over.

That is, unless I come home to a huge pile of ovulation predictor tests and pregnancy tests -- then I get one more bitter reminder that I'm still not pregnant.

I am picturing Emeril Lagasse shouting "BAM!" as he tosses THAT lovely cherry on top of my shitty-assed sundae.

I Hate That I Have Become So Easily Affected

Warning: SOME vague references to female issues coming up.

When I left the R.E. last month, my next orders were to call him on day one of my next cycle. Presumably at that point, I'd go in for an ultrasound to determine if I had ovarian cysts or not (money grab) and then he'd prescribe me c.l.omid so I could do the CCCT test to determine my FSH. (An indicator of ovarian reserve and egg quality -- read: fertility of the lack thereof.)

Well, today is day one and I didn't call him.

I saw it coming a mile away. First of all, we had questionable coverage for this type of thing at work. Oh, that was as of 7/13. At that point, we had NO IF coverage, which, depending on who you asked, meant a number of different things in relation to the office visit I had just made. Exactly what does "no IF coverage" mean when the rep tells you "up to the point of diagnosis?" And what does "up to the point of diagnosis" mean when testing is not covered? What kind of doctor makes a diagnosis prior to testing? I mean, SERIOUSLY, WTF????

But, I digress.

I return to "second."

Second, with no coverage, I didn't really expect Marti to be thrilled to have us saddled with further office visits, unnecessary ultrasound test, lab fees for blood tests, and (as if we weren't already getting drained) fees just to draw the blood.

As I alluded to earlier in this post, my insurance has now changed. It was pretty well completely out of the blue. In a way it's a good thing, but, had I known they were working on this change, I would have conducted my affairs a little differently.

Now, instead of "no IF coverage" we have a good solid "up to the point of diagnosis." If I would have waited mere days to see the specialist, my $320 (mostly pointless) R.E. office visit probably would have been covered.

C'est la vie.

So, I told Marti it was day one and I needed to call or not call the R.E.

He thought "not call" was the best option.

I can't say I wasn't mad. I was. Sure, he had a point. Why not wait and see what this next cycle brings. Besides, it's not like knowing the results of the test would change our actions, would it? In the end, we'll still do what we're going to do.

But, I can't help but be a little bitter that I can't be in complete control of my own health care and know some pretty basic bits of info so that I can make my own informed decisions regarding MY OWN HEALTH. ARGH!

I take that back. I guess I CAN know the info. I would just have to shell out over $1000 in the end to GET it. Basically, 2 VERY simple blood tests is going to cost me over $1000 by the time I pay off all the gate keepers.

BUT WAIT!

I was lucky enough to have been directed to a place here in town that will do the tests without doctors' orders.

Stop the presses!!!!!!!

GTFO!

As it is, I need to see my regular OBGYN next week, so once she gets me up to date, she can give me the meds I need to do the test and then I get to get on with it.

OMFG! Be still, my heart!

Why Does My Dog Wag Her Tail...

...when I walk by her in tears?

For a Friend Who Knows What it Means

OMG I love my external hard drive!

Shortest.post.ever!

Good News and Bad News: A Shopping Story

Ulta had buy one get one on their store brand lotion today, so I went to stock up. My favorite (actually, the only one I really like) is the grapefruit scent. However, there were none on the shelf. Fearing it was discontinued -- as I did notice some new scents -- I asked for assistance. The nice girl pointed me to the clearance rack and confirmed that it was discontinued. :(

That is the bad news. I won't be able to buy my favorite scent anymore. Plus, it's fairly inexpensive, often on sale to boot, and just the right "weight" for lotion for me.

The good news is, the remaining bottles were on sale for 50% off. I was going to stock up anyway, it seemed!

The even better news was that even though it was on clearance, it still fell under the buy one get one sale! Woo hoo!!!! That was enough for me to drive around and hit every Ulta in my neighborhood. Some had it, some didn't, but, I also discovered another scent that I could live with - and for that price, I might sort of love it, too! As long as my stockpile lasts, that is.

Sorry Folks! Park's Closed. Moose Out Front Shoulda' Told Ya!

OK, admittedly, this post has nothing to do with National Lampoon's Vacation, but somehow that is the quote I thought of when my computer told me I couldn't download my pictures from my camera today.

I'm out of disk space.

Really? I mean, how many pictures and video clips does it normally take to fill up a pc? Have I really overdone it?

I have all of our pictures from 2005 until now on this thing. I think I usually take a lot of pictures, but not nearly as many as some.

Ugh. Do I really need to start saving to CDs? I LOVE to be able to just flip through folders that I have named by month and year, to see what I'm looking for. If I have to start inserting disk after disk to find what I'm looking for, I'll go mad!

And of course, this is on the night a big Shutterfly offer expires. Wouldn't you know it?

I'm going to see if there is some external drive that can hold a lot of photos and videos. Our CD drive sicks at best and our DVD drive won't even recognize disks anymore.

I guess I can add this to my list of things to do. Tonight, I just want to be able to get some pictures into Shutterfly so I can use this package deal before it expires.